Supporting a Partner Who Has An Abusive Ex

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash 

Being in a relationship with someone who has been in an abusive relationship can feel like a third party is always in the room. Even after their last relationship is long over, the psychological hold of an abusive partner can linger especially in co-parenting arrangements. Abusive exes often use manipulation, guilt, triangulation, alienation and gaslighting to maintain control even after the separation. Your partner may feel exhausted, doubting themselves, or stuck in a loop of old wounds.

As their current partner, it’s tempting to try and fix things; offer them legal advice or opinions, help to draft texts, or coach them on what to say. What they often need most though is a calm presence. Abusive relationship dynamics, in particular psychologically abusive relationships, thrive on emotional reactivity. Your steadiness becomes a powerful contrast for your partner and a stabilising, secure force in their life.

Offer validation. Years of being told “you’re too sensitive” or “this is all your fault” can erode someone’s sense of reality and trust in themselves and their own decision making. A simple “that sounds really hard, it makes sense why you are feeling this way” or “I believe you” goes a long way. Avoid trying to reframe their pain too quickly. Let them feel what they feel, acknowledge their distress without trying to rush it away.

Support boundary setting. This might mean encouraging limited communication, using third-party apps, or being clearer about emotional limits. It can take time for someone to realise they’re allowed to protect themselves even if the abusive ex pushes back. Be careful though, there is a cautious line to walk here between supporting and directing (which could perpetuate a feeling of being controlled). Take your lead from your partner, remember they are in control of the relationship they have with their ex.

Take care of yourself. You may feel second-hand distress or a feeling of helplessness at times. Watching your partner be mistreated can stir up anger, sadness, or a desire to take control of the situation. It is hard to watch someone you care about in pain. You need to be aware of the residual stress that you can take on. Make space for your own processing, whether through therapy, journaling, or your own trusted support network.

Above all, remember: your presence is already making a difference. Healthy love and secure attachment doesn’t need control or chaos. By holding that standard, you model a new way forward for your partner and for yourself.