Communicating Your Needs and Why it is Important

Photo by Sean Mullowney on Unsplash

Many people struggle to communicate their needs in a relationship. This is not because they don’t have needs, but because they’ve learned it’s risky to share their needs with another person. Maybe you grew up in a household where needs were ignored, ridiculed, or made you feel like a burden. Or maybe you’ve been in relationships where expressing your needs led to conflict or rejection. These are all very good reasons you would develop a blockage in expressing your needs.

But here’s the truth: all healthy relationships require each partner to share needs. Not to control the other person, but to allow for real connection and to create a deep sense of knowing the other.

Needs might be physical (more rest, affection), emotional (reassurance, quality time), or practical (support with daily tasks). Alain De Botton has talked about the idea that we expect our partners to be able to ‘read our minds’ as a way of demonstrating how well they truly know us. “If you really love me, you would be able to know  what I need”. We expect our partners to intuit our needs, but mind-reading leads to resentment as our partners inevitably get it wrong, because shockingly they can not in fact see behind the curtains to what we truly desire. Clear communication invites partnership and reduces conflict.

Start by clarifying your own needs for yourself. Ask yourself: What do I feel? What do I need in response to that feeling? This self-awareness is half the work. You may not actually know what you need, but somehow expect your partner to.

When you speak, use ownership language:

• “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I’d love some time just the two of us.”

• “I’m overwhelmed and need some quiet time tonight.”

This frames your need as a doorway, not a demand. The goal isn’t to get the other person to agree with your feelings, they may not. It’s to let yourself be seen and allow your partner a window into what is going on for you.

And if your need isn’t met? That’s important information. It may reveal something about the dynamic or limitations of the relationship. But you can’t evaluate that clearly until the need is named.

Communicating needs is vulnerable, but vulnerability is what deepens intimacy. It’s how we build relationships that are mutual, respectful, and responsive. You don’t have to be low-maintenance to be loveable. You just have to be honest.