How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
- Zachary Herron
- Jul 15
- 2 min read
Setting boundaries is one of the most talked-about and most misunderstood skills in mental health. Many people associate boundaries with rejection or confrontation. People worry that by saying no or asking for space, they’ll hurt someone else’s feelings or be seen as selfish. But here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t walls; they’re the clarity that makes relationships sustainable.
Guilt often shows up when you start setting boundaries, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing or grew up in an environment where your needs were minimised. But guilt is not a reliable compass. In these moments, guilt often signals change, not wrongdoing. Remember this, different doesn’t mean wrong.
You may also be confronted with the discomfort of those you are setting boundaries with. They may be so used to you acting in a certain way and the first time you push back, even a little, they get confused and may meet your resistance to push things back to the status quo. Setting a boundary can be hard but maintaining them especially with those you care about is harder still.
Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re the clarity that makes relationships sustainable.
Think of boundaries as a way to preserve your energy, values, and time—so you can show up more fully in the relationships that matter. A boundary might sound like:
“I’m not available tonight, but I’d love to catch up next week.”
“I’m not comfortable discussing that topic with you right now.”
“I need some time to myself this weekend.”
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t care about a person. It means you care enough to be honest with them. If you find that guilt is getting in the way, try asking yourself: If my friend called, telling me they were exhausted from a big week of work and they just need a lazy night on the lounge and they couldn’t make the dinner reservation, would I scold them and make them feel worse? I highly doubt that you would, you would offer them kind and compassionate words of support. These words are just as true for them as they are for you.
Therapy is a safe and supporting place where you can help unpack the roots of boundary guilt and support you in creating healthier, more respectful dynamics in your life that encourage sustainable relationships.
