The Subtle Signs of Codependence

Photo by Josiah Ferraro on Unsplash

Co-dependence often hides behind care, helpfulness, or being “the strong one.” But at its core, it’s about a blurred boundary between your sense of self and someone else’s wellbeing. When your emotional state depends on how someone else feels, behaves, or approves of you co-dependence may be quietly shaping your life.

Unlike obvious relationship dysfunction, co-dependence can look like devotion or adoration. You may be the one always anticipating needs, smoothing over tension, or downplaying your own pain so others don’t feel burdened. You might struggle to make decisions without external input, or feel guilty for taking time to yourself. This is not a good long term strategy for healthy relationship dynamics.

This interpersonal dynamic often starts early in life. In childhood, you may have learned that love was conditional, earned attention or love through performance, self-sacrifice, or emotional caretaking. You may have had to grow up fast, becoming hyper-attuned to the needs of a volatile parent or sibling. Stepping into a quasi-parent role at a young age, “We need to be really quiet so mum can rest”.

Over time, this can lead to a sense that your worth is tied to being needed. Saying “no” feels dangerous, because others may disapprove of you or reject or abandon you. Expressing needs feels selfish, ‘everyone else has it hard, I will help them all first and once that is done I can look after me’ you may think to yourself, knowing full well there is always another person with another set of needs to be meet. Relationships become less about mutuality and more about emotional management.

Healing from co-dependence begins with reclaiming your right to have boundaries, preferences, and space. It means learning to sit with the discomfort of others’ emotions without taking them on as your own.

It is critical to express though, that this is not about swinging to the other extreme and becoming rigid self-focused, and self-centred. It’s about returning to balance where care for others and care for yourself is the fulfilling middle ground. Small steps matter: pausing before saying yes, expressing a preference, noticing when you abandon yourself. These shifts slowly rewire your internal map from survival to self-worth.