How to Manage Conflict in Relationships
- Zachary Herron
- Jul 29
- 2 min read
Conflict in relationships isn’t the problem—how we handle it is. Disagreements are inevitable and necessary in close relationships. But if you find yourself stuck in loops of blame, shutdown, or escalation, it may be time to try a different approach.
The goal of conflict isn’t to “win.” It is to understand.
Start with these core principles:
Slow it down: Most fights go sideways because they happen too fast. Take breaks when needed. “I think we need to take a time out, let come back in 5 minutes” and use this time to self soothe.
Use “I” statements: “I know how defensive I can get when I hear messages delivered this way” is very different from “You shouldn’t speak to me that way, you are triggering me.”
Validate before you argue: You can disagree and still show that the other person’s feelings are real. Find a shred of truth in what the other person is saying. “I suppose you are right, it is very imposing and it must feel really disrupting to you when my sister shows up out of the blue.”
Name the pattern, not the person: “Have you also noticed how tend to avoid issues until all of a sudden everything blows up?” invites more reflection than “You never want to fix the problem!”
Focus on repair: The goal is reconnection, not being right. Healthy conflict is less about avoiding friction and more about repairing ruptures with care.
In therapy, we often explore how past attachment wounds and unspoken expectations show up in conflict. Once you recognise your triggers and needs, it gets easier to navigate hard conversations without causing lasting harm. Every relationship has tension. Learning to handle it well is a form of love.
